Tag Archives: Nonverbal Communication

Why Women Don’t Ask Other Women For Business

I read this article by a colleague of mine, Mallun Yen, and it just blew my mind. Everything rang true, not only for me, but for every professional woman I’ve shared it with. It really made me question my thought processes and it has been so powerful, in fact, that I’m developing programs around it and taking them on the road.

Here’s what I mean…

At one of my recent speaking engagements for a group of high-level executive women in the same industry, I started by asking for a show of hands with this question: “How many of you have done business with someone in this room?” A significant number of hands went up, which made sense.

Then, I followed up with, “We’ve been here for 2.5 days. We’ve been eating, drinking, learning, spa-ing, and spending quality time together. How many of you have asked another attendee for something that could move your business forward?”

Only 3 hands went up. This would never happen with men. And it shouldn’t be happening with women.

This is the beginning of an overdue conversation, one we haven’t been having. The truth is women allow friendships to get in the way of business. This is a shame for many reasons but it isn’t atypical and it isn’t women’s fault because it’s how we’ve been socialized. Those facts, however, should not keep us from striving to change this dynamic.

Here is some food for thought:

  • Men prove trust by asking for favors.
  • Women fear they will betray trust by asking for favors.
  • Men fear intimacy personally, crave intimacy professionally.
  • Women fear intimacy professionally, crave intimacy personally.

For instance, when men hear that a colleague needs something, they race to provide the solution because that colleague then owes them. It becomes a type of currency. Women’s networks are (finally) rich with opportunity and it’s up to us to stop shying away and start taking advantage.

Here are some things we can do to activate and energize our networks:

  • Choose appropriate networks. In a room of peers, there is no problem that should go unsolved. Someone should either be able to take action on your behalf or introduce you to someone who can.
  • Have an offer ready, too. It’s not a one-way street.
  • Keep your “ask” short, succinct, and specific. Don’t say you’re looking for referrals in an industry. That’s too general. Do your homework and name companies or people.
  • Keep track of who helps and who doesn’t. If someone makes promises, but doesn’t act, you can still be friends, but move on because that person won’t make a good referral partner.
  • Resist networking organizations with rules that discourage business development. (This is a pet peeve of mine and more prevalent among women’s groups.)The best organizations are those that set aside specific, focused time to make asks and offers.
  • Don’t be afraid to say no or of being said no to. Just because it’s no today, doesn’t mean it’s no tomorrow.
  • Keep practicing. It gets easier.

Don’t be an unwitting “Keeper of the Glass Ceiling.” If we cannot approach our friends, who know us and love us best and who are rooting for our success, who can we approach?

How to Deal with Discomfort in Presentational Settings

How to deal with discomfort in presentational settings? You know the feeling. I certainly do. It manifests in different ways… sweaty palms, increased heartbeat, trembly hands, butterflies. You wish it would just go away, but it never does.

My upcoming Instagram LIVE broadcast this Monday, June 4th, gave me this topic idea. Because I’m totally uncomfortable about doing it. You see, with these live video broadcasts, which you can now do on certain social media like Facebook and its relative, Instagram, there is no way to test the platform first. You can’t try it out in advance to see what buttons to push or how to hold the camera device. It immediately broadcasts and then stays there for awhile (I don’t know yet if I can even take it down if I truly screw it up). And if you know me, you know I’m a prep freak, including the tech prep, and if there is no way to include that part, then I’m in my least favorite place.

So, how to deal with discomfort? There are things you can do, that I am doing and will do to limit the impact of those awful feelings…

  1. Develop content. I’m only giving myself a short time, so I’ll work with the end goal in mind.
  2. Create notes or an outline. I’ll use them during the broadcast. If you’re there, you’ll see me referring to them. No one should work without a net.
  3. Read up on the platform. I want to learn from experts. Surprises don’t work for me.
  4. Practice out loud. Making sure the words flow and transitions are smooth is the best thing I can do to ensure my discomfort doesn’t undo me.
  5. Time myself. I want my part of this to be a max of 10 minutes. Since my internal clock is deficient, I’ll use a countdown timer.

I’ve read once you’ve ended an Instagram Live broadcast, it disappears. If not, I’ll review it. Though it pains me to do so, I know it’s the only way to improve. I’ll also ask for feedback from people I trust.

Over time, I’ve shifted my mindset about pushing through discomfort. I used to procrastinate or hide. Now, I take action anyway. I hope you’ll join me on Instagram LIVE on Monday at 11am Eastern. You’ll know that behind whatever I’m saying is a high level of agita. And I also hope if you are there, you’ll give me feedback when it’s done.

Why it Feels so Good to Say F*#k

Why do we like to curse? I’ve addressed this topic twice before, the last time in 2013. All I can say is, “My, how things have changed!”

So I wanted to revisit this topic in 2018, when it’s appropriate in the context of presenting and communicating in a business context, and when it’s not. You might be surprised…

In 2013, while these words were prevalent in interpersonal discourse, they were quite rare in public. Newspapers would not publish them, instead describing the words with inoffensive terminology. In fact, when I commented on this then, I mentioned that millennials and Gen Xers seemed less shy about using them than Boomers. Well, Voilà! These young people are now solidly in the workforce, bosses, even, and our ears have become more attuned to hearing these words. Naturally, using them doesn’t feel as wrong as it used to.

I actually studied this phenomenon in grad school. Here is what I learned then, way back in the early 90s: Saying bad words is a rhetorical device that human beings have invented and it’s done in every language and every culture. Originally and in many cases today, we use them to vent, to let off steam. It can be a harmless thing, such as when someone just dinged your car and you say, “sh*t!” It can be harmful if you use these terms to berate another person. Or tell that other driver he is a “f*¢#ing” idiot (which he might be, but it doesn’t help your case).

Now, I am a true potty mouth and everybody who knows me well knows it. But I am also careful about where and when I use these terms.

In 2013 I told you I didn’t use them in presentations because it wasn’t part of my brand. However, as of 2017, I do use them but only in certain situations and in certain ways. So the first consideration is my audience. What do I think they can tolerate and beyond that, would using a swear word help them relate to me more? So last fall I did a big presentation at an event populated by generally younger marketing people, so I figured saltier language would work. It did. It got a big laugh.

In another presentation, it was an older, more conservative group, so instead of saying “what the f*¢k,” I said “what the F.” Got a big laugh. People actually seem to relax. Also, in case you didn’t know, that’s the most popular curse word, by far!

Another cue is if one of the organizers uses these words in front of the audience I’m going to be speaking to. Then I’ve been given permission and I know adding to it will fit.

Now, when do I avoid using them? Always when meeting clients for the first time, as well as when speaking to ultra-conservative type groups, though as the younger generations mature into the C-suite, those are becoming less and less conservative, at least when it comes to this issue. I stick to this rule even if the client says these words. Once I get to know a client, then I may insert a word here or there. I take my cues.

Which is really what this is about, being able to read cues, both historical and immediate. Regarding those speeches, in neither case did it hurt me with the audience or the organizers. In fact it helped me and here’s why: It really is part of who I am. And whether they like your choice of words, if you show up real and genuine, they’ll like you.